Slorock

Since I've been drinking A LOT lately, and since a friend of mine got beat down (let's call him [Persuader]) the weekend before this one, we decided not to throw a party in the huge apartment we live in.

We are five people living in the apartment, with three bedrooms. The apartment is around 120 square meters without the hallway, so it's huge. We also have a balcony. The apartment is in the middle of down town, so we don't have any trouble getting people here.

Us deciding to not throw a party also resulted in me deciding to not drink. If you know me AT ALL, you know this is a bullshit commentary. I don't know why, but I somehow end up drinking no matter what the fuck I tell myself.

When I got home from work on Friday a friend [Rose] called me, he asked if I'm interested to join him to eat out. Since my economy is low I jokingly say “Yeah, if you pay”. He says yes, and proceeded to invite the rest of the apartment. He reserved a table for eight at this Italian place. I invited a couple I know [Magnum and Ms. Yellow]. They live an hour drive away, but make it just in time.

While looking at the menu I come to the page where they have drinks.

Me: Rose, can I have a beer too, pretty please?
Rose: Are you kidding?
Me: I never kid when it comes to alcohol!
Rose: Fuck it, fine you can have a beer, but only one!
Me: Yay!

I get a beer and a plate with lots of kebab on. We all eat and make fun of each other since almost everyone is having trouble emptying the plate. Ms. Yellow and my girlfriend [Revolution] can't get half their plates emptied and decide they'll bring the rest with them back home. At home we watch a boring film and play some games before we go to bed. Magnum and Ms. Yellow sleep over.

Saturday morning Persuader is walking around the place crying about not having any clean underwear, Magnum is snoring in the living room, I also found out that Rose slept over, 'cause the guy he was at went on a drunken rampage.

The clock is closing in on 3pm and we're all awake and planning to go skating. Ms. Yellow proceeds to invite us all to her place, she has the whole house to herself.

Me: But, I was supposed to not drink this weekend.
Ms. Yellow: Come on, it'll be fun. Just something small.
Me: Fine, I'll come, but Magnum has to pay for all I'm drinking and drive me back home tomorrow.
Magnum: What the fuck?
Me: Well, it's either that or I'm not going.
Magnum: I hate you.

We decide to not go skating since I am wearing my only clean underwear, and head straight for Ms. Yellows house. We stop by a new grocery store close to my apartment and get some beer. I figure out that I want two six-packs, and the fucker actually pays for it. This is looking good. We get in the car and Magnum starts driving.

One minute in to the trip I get bored and figure I want a beer. I reach back in to the back seat and get myself one, turn some music on and start waving to random people. They wave back.

We arrive at Ms. Yellows house, I've now emptied two cans of beer. I really need a cigarette. A friend [Blackie] of Ms. Yellow smoke, but she hasn't come yet so I call her with Ms. Yellows phone.

Blackie: Hi sweetie!
Me: I'm flattered, when are you coming, I need a cigarette!
Blackie: Oh, hi Pingu. I'll be there in an hour, but I only have two left, but a friend of mine is coming with more around 7pm.
Me: But the clock is 5pm now! That's two hours!
Blackie: Ms. Yellow have some cigarettes, but don't tell Magnum.

Ms. Yellow conveniently walk in the door, and Magnum is outside.

Me: Ok, Blackie I got to go!
Blackie: Ok, see you la....Click!
Me: Ms. Yellow! Where do you hide your cigarettes?
Ms. Yellow: Fuck Blackie, they're upstairs!
Me. Go fetch!

I get my cigarette, pop another beer and sit on their balcony fantasizing about me and Ms. Yellows dog [Balto] killing hordes of zombies from the balcony. I'm bored.

I find out that there is some fish festival [Slorock] going on about 500 meters from the house, and I want to get drunk before I go there. I tell Magnum to start drinking, he doesn't. I continue drinking and Blackie arrives. I'm the only one drinking. Revolution is bored.

Me: Stop being a party pooper!
Revolution: Stop thinking you are the king of the world!
Me: Thinking?
Revolution: Yeah, it's quite annoying.
Me: Fuck you, I'm getting a beer.

I walk around trying to get the others to drink. A few guys arrive and everyone starts drinking for real. Magnum makes drink after drink, and when he doesn't watch I steal some from his glass. He also thinks I'm to sober, so he gives me more. Nothing exciting is happening, really. A friend [NewGamer] of me and Magnum arrives and start playing the guitar right away. I'm starting to get drunk so I start singing.

Clock closes in on 11pm. Me, Magnum and Blackie are really drunk by now. I can see Revolution is starting to feel the tequila as well. Magnum doesn't have any more to drink so he jumps on a bike and leaves for Slorock! Half an hour later I drag everyone except Revolution (she was feeling ill) out. I tell Revolution which bed we are sleeping in (the best one of course) and she heads up and goes to sleep.

I start walking towards Slorock when Magnum comes back on his bicycle and yells at us because we are so fucking slow! I stop him and jump on the bike, beer in hand we wiggle our way to Slorock. NewGamer and his friend [TheMovieMaker] is there already and we find out it's a 100NOK entry fee. Since I've lived for free since Friday I deny to pay this fee. No one pays me in.

I walk around back where the other poor people have gathered and I steal a cigarette. Magnum and TheMovieMaker comes around the corner and tell me that they will get me in. I wonder how and they point at a door on the wall. It's far up and there are stairs leading to it. Magnum walks first and find out that the guy who manages the whole thing has an office to the right, we all run left and down some stairs. And we end up ON STAGE! Luckily there was shitty music, and no one listened to it. Mission accomplished, I am in!

I take a look around, there are no hot girls around. Nothing. I decide that this must be because I am not drunk enough. I walk out to the yard where the smokers are and get myself another cigarette from some random dude. I also get a beer from Magnum. I chug it down and get another one. I look around and I see unopened beer everywhere and it's just for the taking! I like this place.

I drink and drink and drink. Suddenly I realize that there's only me and NewGamer left. We decide to go find some hot chicks. We walk around – nothing. I don't like this place any more. We decide to go inside and see a set of three girls and a guy. This guy is huge, he looks like the father of two of them (remember, this is out on the county, girls getting shitfaced with their fathers here is normal). Luckily for us the father walks away. NewGamer is nervous and thinks that the girls are to engaged in their conversation with each other for us to open them.

I tell him to stay put and walk over to the girls, grab a beer on my way there and sit down. Open my beer and engage in conversation.

Me: So, why are two beautiful girls like you sitting here without any guys around you? (I know, the line sucks, but what the hell, I'm fucking drunk!)
Girl1: We are together, like lesbians.
Me: Must I repeat myself?
They laugh.
Me: Have you met my friend NewGamer?
The music starts playing so it's fucking impossible to hear anything.
Me: Wanna go outside and talk, I don't hear shit in here!
Girls: Sure, lead the way!

We go outside and I let NewGamer take over the hottest of the girls. I know they're lesbians, but he need all the training he can get. I wing the other chick only to find out that the one NewGamer is talking with is strictly girls only, while the one I was talking to were the bisexual one. Sorry NewGamer, I couldn't know.

We talk to these girls for a bit and then they walk off. Me and NewGamer sit around for a bit, chat about how there are no hot females around. Suddenly the hottest girl we've seen there sits down right next to me, and she's eating a hot dog.

Me: Am I the only one here who think this shit is fucking boring?
HotGirl: Probably not.
Me: So, you from around here?
HotGirl: Yeah, I'm with [insert name of person who kick people who talk to his girlfriends ass here].
Me: So talking to you is probably not a good idea?
HotGirl: Probably not.
Me: You're boring, I'll find someone else.

She walks off. And I turn around to see NewGamer talking to one of the ugliest girls there. Since I'm his friend I do him this favour and chase her away.

Me: So, I see you've met my friend NewGamer.
Ugly: Yeah, I have, my name is [Ugly].
Me: Cool, now run along so me and NewGamer can walk around and check out some girls.
Ugly: I'm a girl.
Me: No, you're not.

She walked away. NewGamer was unsure why I would do such a thing, so I had to explain that she was ugly and he had to find the bisexual female we talked to earlier.

We found the lesbian couple standing with some guys around a poker table. We went over to them, and before we got there they ran against us and dragged us out. We talked to them for a long time, and I still wonder – why the hell didn't I ask them the questions that I had about lesbians. Anyway, they had to leave, and we were nearly finished with anything – they had free beer all over the place for fuck sake!

One of the funniest episodes where when I met this big guy in a blue t-shirt [whale]. He had some red marks on his arm. And this guy was FAT and DRUNK.

Whale: Do you see these marks? They are from earlier tonight. My father is at home bleeding, I punched him.
Me: That doesn't sound good, have you called an ambulance?
Whale: Fucker deserved it, making me an alcoholic and all!
Me: So, it's his fault you're an alcoholic? Ever heard of free will?
Whale takes up his phone.
Whale: Watch this film I recorded earlier.

He starts a film where someone is singing, Whale starts singing with him. I takes some time before I realize that the song is about Jesus and religion and all that shit! And halfway into the song it's impossible to here what he's singing because he's drunk.

Whale: You know, I sing that song every night!
Me: Does it help you in any way?
Whale: Of course it does, why wouldn't it?
Me: Because you are still an alcoholic, you're father is lying on some floor bleeding and you are here.
Whale: It's not my fault that I'm an alcoholic, it's my fathers, that's why he's at home bleeding!
Me: Why don't you just quit?
Whale: It's not that easy!
Me: Yeah it is, just look at me now, I'm gonna quit talking to you just to show you.

I turned my back and walked away, turned around just to see him there with this confused look on his face, I just smiled and continued walking. I met up with NewGamer again, he was talking to TheMovieMaker. I dragged him with me and pointed out some hot girl talking to this body-builder-ish guy.

Me: You go hit on that girl, I'll take care of the big guy.
NewGamer: But, how do I open up?
(If you haven't figured it out he's new to this gaming thing, he tries to hard)
Me: I don't know, go with some classic like “this where the party's at?”
NewGamer: Ok, lets try!

I walk over first and get the guy's attention. This was easy, I just used the same opener I told NewGamer to use, and it worked. Men are so easy to fool. NewGamer looked like he was doing good, until two other guys came over and stole her from him. I told the body-builder to have fun and walked off with NewGamer.

Me: What the hell, why did you let them steal her?
NewGamer: I don't know, they just came and...
Me: Fuck it, listen, you have to show her that you are the alpha male!
NewGamer: I know, I was just surprised.

My phone rang, it was some ugly girl asking if I wanted to come to the after party she was at, I asked her if there were some hot girls there, she said she was there, I hung up.

Me and NewGamer walked around, trying to find someone, I also wanted a new cigarette. We saw two ugly ass old females standing alone in the middle of the yard outside the bar. I walked up to them.

Me: Excuse me, could you do me a favour?
UglyFemale: As long as it's not something sexual!
Me: Are you fucking crazy? I just want a cigarette!
UglyFemale: Sure, you can have one.

I got a cigarette and they walked off, without giving me a light. Luckily TheMovieMaker came by and had a lighter. While smoking I figured out that the ugly girl who just called me were our last shot, maybe she have hot female friends?

We started calling people asking if they could drive, no one was able. They were either drunk or at work. NewGamer told me he had to take a dump and I got his phone so that I could continue calling. Suddenly his phone rang, I answered.

Me: NewGamers phone, he's taking a dump!
Phone: Yeah, I saw he had called.
Me: Yeah, we need someone to drive us down town
Phone: Sure, I'll come pick you up.

NewGamer came back and we went to the car to get a lift down town Since we were driving past the party where I was in the beginning I decided I could get him to swing me by so I could get some beers. Of course, I didn't find out where we were until we drove by, so I screamed at him to break and go back (I was really shitfaced at this point).

Me: I NEED MORE BEER!

He backed up and I got out. Blackie was standing on the balcony smoking.

Blackie: Why are you so late?
Me: Late? I'm not fucking near done yet!
Blackie: What are you talking about, it's fucking 3 in the morning!
Me: So what? I'll just grab some beers and get going!
Blackie: Fine, good night.
Me: Oh, it will be!

I ran inside, gave Balto a kiss and ran off with beers in every pocket, jumped in the car and told him to drive us down town! Me, NewGamer and TheMovieMaker jumped out of the car. There were no one to be seen around. It was like a deserted small place from a film. We sat down on a bench and I continued pouring down beer. Suddenly some older people came out of a building, drunk as fuck, and we asked them what was going on. Supposedly they were thrown out 'cause the party was over.

We tried to get in, but there was no way. I called this ugly girl who had called me back and asked her where the hell this after party was! She came and met us and took us there.

There were a couple of hotties there, but all the guys looked like they wrestled bulls for a living, so I didn't dare to try to pick someone up, besides, I was starting to get sleepy and sick of all the beer and spirits. Things were starting to spin and I figured the only thing that could come out of this was a fist to my face. I went outside, found a car that was running with two huge guys in the front seat. I jumped in and told them where to drive me, and they actually drove me there, can you believe my luck? I went to bed next to Revolution, I had no idea what time it was, but around 7am wouldn't surprise me at all.

This is all I can remember from the night, I haven't been this drunk in a while, and things are a bit fuzzy. Also, conversations I've had with people are translated from Norwegian to English, and that's a bitch. Hope you enjoyed my story of my night out. All I can say is I was the only one still drunk when we woke up the next day, and I made the best out of it by being an ass hole!

The rest of the Sunday went by playing Left 4 Dead, Halo 3 and Prototype.

- Pingu